Who are you?

Every day that we open our eyes, we get SO much immediate power from simply existing. Each day that we move forward, we make one EXTREMELY important decision, that many of us in mentally healthy states take for granted without a single passing thought. 

Who you are. 

Your interactions, your thoughts, your environment, your emotions, your choices, your ego, your intents, and most importantly of all...your actions. All things we are actively in control of at ANY given moment. Things we can manipulate (be it positively or negatively), with the simplest of action. 

Yet it seems once we drift too far from the center,  whether by achieving so highly, losing sight, and falling into the traps of grandeur delusion, or failing so spectacularly over and over again that you feel as if simply accepting defeat is the only option in front of you, we start to lose sight of the fact that there is 86,400 seconds daily and change HAS to start NOW.

You just...lose scope in those states, though. We're almost taken from ourselves, in a way. You lose who you've known your entire life, as the pain starts to change you daily in terribly negative ways. I think thats why so many different types of mental diseases share the same state of extreme disconnect from reality. It's hard to be connected with really anything while you're doubting who you yourself are. Day by day the problem worsens as new intrusive & harmful thoughts take over, and day by day you lose who you are even more...which results in a dangerous revolving door of either spiraling to "rock bottom"...or death.

You can only run so far from the problem. You can only self-medicate so much. You can only lie to some degree. At some point? You just have to sleep in the bed you've made. 

I don't really know why that saying is usually used in negative context, but having been in that exact position, I'll tell you this right now: I'd gladly get 3 hours of sleep in a bed that I forced myself to sloppily make with the torn sheets I have...because I can wake up, and small bit by small bit start sewing those sheets back together. With hopes that getting back in that same bed the next evening, more comfortable than the night prior, i'll get a slightly better sleep. Next week though, as I'm putting the sheets on my bed as i've been doing, I'll realize that my sheets are starting to look almost...whole. I'm starting to actually comfortably get 4-5 hours of sleep a night again! If this pattern continues? By a year from now, I very well might just be sleeping through the night soundly.

On the other hand, if you just keep sleeping on that shitty bed, hating your shitty bed, being spiteful and jealous of others with nicer beds, and don't ever improve your bed...you're never going to get that sleep you're wanting.

In these states, it's all too easy to assume things either won't get better, or that they're too good to fail. Neither of which are any kind of true in this existence. Life will change in an INSTANT. Sometimes in spectacular ways...sometimes in horrendous ways. The only constant is life is existence itself. We need to learn to utilize every. single. second. to enact change to not only others lives, but to OUR OWN. If there was ever a time to be selfish, it's in this state. 

The past causes depression for many of us, and the future causes anxiety. Allowing for those states to take away our PRESENT is what we all have to work to get past. Learn from your past, don't dwell. Dream for your future, don't compare. 

Thought by thought, action by action, day by day, if you simply exist as the human you want to be, instead of allowing struggle to take away who you are...you'll start to become the human you want to be. Please don't allow your past to take away your future. Use the present to create your future. The worst things in life can make us stronger in ways that honestly probably won't be immediately apparent, but we'll reflect on to appreciate at some point. You don't have Yin without Yang. 

Be whoever you want to be. 

It starts right now. 

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Please note, I'm not in ANY way saying, "just be happy".

As even my own mental wellness plan entailed medication, counseling, therapy, and many more of the wonderful resources this community offers. Mental illness is a VERY broad range of conditions, yet is also extremely personal and different for everyone involved. I'm not EVER trying to turn anyone from any other community resources that exist. As there is no one single solution to overcoming our illness, some find healing with insight

So I will continue to share my insights and my personal story, as it is not only healing to myself...but may also help someone else out there with their own struggles.

Free Mental Health Resources: NIMH, NAMINational Suicide Prevention Hotline